Hitlerhoff - full script
Characters:
HITLERHOFF
(all other male characters are played by a single actor)
DADDY – a domineering Teutonic brute and failed actor
RED TIDE MAN – a communist super-villain, slash evil clown
JUILLIARD – artistic director of the prestigious Juilliard Academy
YUSUF “CHE” ISLAMABAD – a thespian and left-wing revolutionary
UNKNOWN SOLDIER ONE – actually CHE in disguise
HOBIE BUCHANAN – a crippled boy; enthusiastic and impressionable
VOICEOVER
(all female characters are played by a single actor)
MUMMY – an overly nurturing stage mother type
PAMELA ANDOVICH – a sexy, sinister Russian spy
ROSA LUXEMBURG – a thespian and left-wing revolutionary
UNKNOWN SOLDIER TWO – actually ROSA in disguise
CJ NIGHTINGALE – a devoted British nurse
* * *
INTRO
[Black-out. Onscreen: a video sequence mixing footage from Baywatch with Triumph of the Will and Olympia to a cover of the Baywatch theme song: “I’ll be ready”.]
Some people stand in the darkness
Afraid to step into the light
Some people need, to help somebody
When the edge of surrender’s in sight [Cheering crowds, ecstatic faces, waving hands, salutes.]
Don’t you worry,
It’s gonna be all right
‘Cause I’m always ready,
I won’t let you out of my sight
[The Town Hall explodes. title credit: ‘Hitlerhoff’. This title explodes. HITLERHOFF bursts through the screen onto the stage, wearing red Speedos.]
I’ll be ready (I’ll be ready)
Never you fear (no don’t you fear)
I’ll be ready
Forever and always
I’m always here.
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: Ladies, gentlemen, lovers of great art. Welcome to Hitlerhoff – the show to end all shows! It’s great to be here in Austria-lia. This is a real triumph for me – a triumph of the will,you might say [laughs]. Please stick around! In fact, could someone up the back please lock the … [theatre door is closed loudly; sound-effect of lock] Danke. [He paces back and forth, seriously.] Now, you might have heard some nasty rumours about me, in the [coughs] BOLSHEVIST gutter press. [Mockingly imitates his critics] “He’s a monster”, they say, “a mindless hunk of beefcake. He’s an alcoholiac, a fascist criminazi, he can’t even eating the cheesenburger!”Well – [pulls his Speedos up] does it look like I have one testicle to you?!
[HITLERHOFF reaches into his Speedos and removes a battered cheeseburger, covered in tomato sauce. He licks sauce from the burger obscenely, and eats the burger in a sexual manner; blood-red sauce pours down his arm.]
But seriously, volk – forget the lies. Forget the clichés. Forget everything you think you know. If you want the truth, you’ve got to go to the source. If you want the truth about me, you’ve gotta go to the source … of me. [Licks sauce off his hand.] Ladies and gypsies, as a special treatment I’ll take you there tonight!
But first, a word of warning. I’ve made a lot of friends in my time, but I’ve also made a lot of … [trails off]. There’s one thing I’ve learnt: If you believe in the power of dreams, anything is possible.
One man can make a difference.
One man can change the world.
That man is me. Hitlerhoff über alles! [Gestures for the audience to clap.]
[Impassioned] People, we stand on the edge of an abyss! The red Ti— [coughs, composes himself]. Sorry, I’m skipping ahead [chuckles]. First, I’d like to take this opportunity to answer some questions I’ve prepared for myself. [SCREEN HITLERHOFF appears: head-and-chest shot.]
HITLERHOFF [to SCREEN HITLERHOFF]:Hitlerhoff, how did you become so great?
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Well, Hitlerhoff [laughs], funny you should ask. It all began one morning in June some twenty years ago, when I was born a rich man’s son. I had everything that money could buy – but freedom, I had none …
[SCREEN HITLERHOFF’s mouth opens wide; HITLERHOFF is sucked back into it. Black-out.]
SCENE ONE
Video title: “In the House of my Parents”
[Table with tablecloth, oversized can of sauerkraut. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR enters, singing, and stands on a chair; MUMMY stands devotedly at his feet.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [sings]: The hills are alive, with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing, for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart, with blood
These hills I will rule, for a thousand years …
MUMMY [sings]: Oh Hoffy, Mummy is so proud of you!
Ever since you were, just a small small girl,
[DADDY enters, carrying a postal sack and pistol. He shoots offstage.]
I knew that you were special!
You are my favourite –
DADDY: Kunst! [Slaps MUMMY.] Eva, Hoffy, I’ve achtung-ed you about this …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But Daddy, I weren’t, we was just acting –
DADDY: Acting like filthy little thesbians! This is why I keep you inside!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Mummy!
[DADDY spanks HITLERHOFF JUNIOR.]
DADDY: You’re not special …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’m not sorry …
DADDY: You’re not special …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’m not sorry …
DADDY: You’re not special …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [sobbing]: I’m not sorry …
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: Me and Daddy, we got along like a synagogue on fire. He was a simple man, who liked drinking and boxing his family. In his youth, Daddy wanted to be an entertainer.
[Spotlight on DADDY.]
DADDY: What’s black, and blue – all over? [pause.] My son! [Punches HITLERHOFF JUNIOR.]
[Cymbal crash; MUMMY laughs nervously.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: … but he had no talent. None. So instead, he became a [coughs] monster postal worker. Daddy wanted me to follow in his footsteps.
[pause.]
I did not want to follow in his footsteps.
SCENE TWO
[Dinnertime. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR joins MUMMY and DADDY at the table. The atmosphere is tense.]
DADDY: Pass the sauerkraut.
MUMMY: Yes dear.
[Pause.]
How was work today dear?
DADDY: Scheisse! I work and I slave all day, and for what? To keep our good-for-nothing son in leather panties while he prances around like some homo-fraulein! Eva, he will become an alcoholiac, a gypsy, a commie thesbian! [To HITLERHOFF JUNIOR] Hitlerhoff Junior, your time has come: tomorrow you will helping me, outside. Work will set you free.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But –
MUMMY: But dear, Hoffy has his acting lessons tomorrow –
DADDY: Nein!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But Daddy, that’s not fair!
DADDY [to HITLERHOFF JUNIOR]: Fair? What do you think is this, a fairground?! Eat your wiener.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’m a veget-arian.
DADDY: You need the hard re-education – licking envelopes envelopes envelopes.
HITLERHOFF: But –
DADDY: You think this world is interested in your oratorical talents?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Yes.
DADDY: Well it’s not.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [sotto voce]:Will be.
DADDY: Nein! Your beating is not until nine; don’t making me beat you earlier. Hitlerhoff Junior, you must learn: life is a battlefield. Dog eats dog, man eats wife, strong eats all – this is our destiny! Now useful that big mouth to eat sauerkraut –
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Powerkraut –
DADDY: What did you say?!
[Silence.]
All this rebellious putsch disturbs my sphincter. I’m going to the crappenhausen. Silence!
[DADDY exits. Gunshots and swearing offstage. MUMMY and HITLERHOFF JUNIOR wait until he is out of earshot.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Mummy, please don’t make me go to the outside! [sobs.]
MUMMY: There there Hoffy, don’t cry … Mummy will find a way. I know, you can pretend to be sick tomorrow – a fever! Once daddy goes to work, we can have a special acting lesson that goes all day long!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: You’re the best mummy in the whole world!
MUMMY: There’s something special about you, Hoffy, you can feel it in my bosom. You have a … gift. Use it.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Mummy, I had a … dream last night.
MOTHER: Was it about – your destiny?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [stands up, walks downstage]: I was in our living space, and it was so big … it stretched on forever, like an endless beach covered in skulls … I was running in slow-motion, looking for freedom.
MUMMY: How visionary!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: In the distance, I saw a man … a hero superman, with muscles like coconuts and hair like a tsunami …
MUMMY: Oh, Hoffy …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I ran towards him, and he told me …
MUMMY: Yes?
[DADDY re-enters room.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: … He told me that I was going to be a great –
DADDY: Bullshit –
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: – artist!
MUMMY: Artist! } at the same time
DADDY: Kunst?! }
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: The biggest kunst the world has ever known!
DADDY: Never, not as long as I live! You will working in postal office like your master, until you are old, dead, nothing.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But –
DADDY: Obey your father-land!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: You’ll be sorry – I’m going to be the most watched man in all the world.
DADDY: You will being the most beaten boy in all the world …
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I really didn’t want to follow in his footsteps.
[Black-out.]
SCENE THREE
Video title: “Power of Dreams”
[Lights slowly up. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR onstage, alone. He is carrying DADDY’s postal sack, nervous about being “outside”. Sound effects of explosions, Rifle fire.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Work will set you free, work will set you free – I’ll show you work will set you free!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR has a tantrum: empties the postal satchel onto the stage, kicks the envelopes until he is exhausted and upset. He kneels, puts his hands together in prayer and looks to the ceiling.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Our father – not Daddy! – doing art in heaven,
Hitlerhoff be my name.
My kingdom come,
It will be done,
On earth, and on television.
Give us this day, our milky mummy,
And kill all the trespassers,
Before they try to trespass and kill us.
And lead me not to an office,
But let me be an artist,
For mein kampf is the kingdom,
The power and the glory,
For ever and ever,
forever!
[SCREEN HITLERHOFF appears.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Believe in the power of dreams, Hoffy!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: It’s you!
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Power of dreams … dreams … dreeeeeam seeeequeeeence …
[Dream sequence: “Ride of the Valkyries”, half-speed. DADDY beats MUMMY in slow-motion; HITLERHOFF JUNIOR watches, horrified.
DADDY [as if backmasked]: Free … you … set … will … work … free … you … set … will … work …
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR sits on a miniature KITT car, turns on its flashing KITT light, and runs DADDY over. DADDY collapses and dies, stage right. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR and MUMMY embrace, and dance. Music cuts out. Lights slowly up: MUMMY is crying uncontrollably. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR attempts to console her.]
HITLERHOFF: [to audience] Can you imagine our shock and awe when we awoke to find that Daddy had been disappeared? [Kicks DADDY offstage.] Mummy slept through the whole nasty – she didn’t see a thing. I was sick at the time, a fever, delirious, couldn’t leave my – I was away at a special camp for special young actors. Mummy … Mummy was beside herself. But as I held her against my growing body, I felt her … I felt her. It was the greatest and most unforgettable time of my earthly existence.
[MUMMY continues crying.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: There there, Mummy, don’t cry. Hey – I’ve booked us into a little log cabin in Berchtesgaden! Just the two of us, Daddy away at the outside and never coming back … Mummy. Stop crying Mummy! I’m right here!
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: But mummy … [HITLERHOFF and MUMMY sit onstage, and ‘row’.] We were out in a rowboat, paddling on the lake. The water was quiet. Too quiet.
SCENE FOUR
Video Title: “Cyclone B”
[A storm: sound effects of rain, thunder, etc. MUMMY is knocked out of the boat, and begins drowning.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR:Don’t worry babe – I’ll save you!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR reaches MUMMY. Lighting change: deep red. MUMMY screams. RED TIDE MAN enters.]
RED TIDE MAN enters, with a cape, and a fake flower on his lapel.]
RED TIDE MAN: I am the Red Tide. The most sinister marine phenomenon known to man!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Stay away from my Mummy!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR tries to stop RED TIDE MAN, but RED TIDE MAN overpowers him. RED TIDE MAN offers his flower for MUMMY to sniff. MUMMY, charmed, inhales deeply; RED TIDE MAN sprays gas in MUMMY’s face. MUMMY collapses, unconscious.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Nooo!!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR cradles MUMMY in his arms. RED TIDE MAN laughs sinisterly.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Demon! I will not rest until you are destroyed!
RED TIDE MAN:You haven’t seen the last of me, fascist. The Red Tide is on the rise! [Exits.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: And you haven’t seen the last, of – me!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR swims with back to shore with MUMMY. He lays her body on the ground and performs CPR.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand … no!
[MUMMY’s body starts to move; she regains consciousness.]
MUMMY: Avenge my death, Hoffy, avenge my death …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I will, mummy – but how?
MUMMY: Follow your dreams. Become a famous … a great – [RED TIDE MAN reappears] – monster!
[MUMMY dies. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR howls with grief. RED TIDE MAN laughs cruelly, and exits. SCREEN HITLERHOFF appears.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: I know that things are hard for you right now Hoffy, but believe me, they will get better.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But she’s dead. She’s dead!
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: No obstacle is too great for you to overcome.You’ve just got to keep struggling, and keep believing.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: In what? My life is over.
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Believe in yourself, Hoffy. [SCREEN MUMMY walks into frame, wearing a bathing suit.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Mummy!
[SCREEN MUMMY places her head on SCREEN HITLERHOFF’s shoulder, and runs her fingers through his chest-hair.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: One man can make a difference. One man can change the world. That man is me. One day, it will be you.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Me?
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Go to the Juilliard Academy for special young actors, where dreams come true!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But, I don’t, I can’t …
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Power of dreams – dreams – dreams … [screen image fades out.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I had reached a turning point in my hero’s journey. I had to leave the ordinary world behind, and accept the call to adventure. I had to cross the threshold, from Act One, into … Act Two!
SCENE FIVE
[Video sequence, in the style of “Hooked on a Feeling”: HITLERHOFF JUNIOR traveling around the world, on a quest. Music: “Looking For Freedom”, sans lyrics.JUILLIARD enters and watches, disgusted.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [sings, badly]: … Iiiiiiiii
Headed down the track, my baggage on my back
I left the city far behind
Walkin’ down the road, with my heavy load
Tryin’ to find some peace of mind
Father said “you’ll be sorry, son,
If you leaving home this way
And when you realise, you are idiot potato-dunce homo-fraulein –”
Fuck you Daddy!
I’ve been lookin for freeeee–
JUILLIARD: Dumb!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR:Excuse me?
JUILLIARD: If only you were dumb. Mute. Lacking in vocal capacity!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: But I haven’t finished –
JUILLIARD: Oh, you’re finished all right. Where did you learn to sing – in an abattoir? In all my years as Artistic Director of the prestigious Juilliard Academy, that is the worst audition I have ever been subjected to.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Would you like to see my Macbeth? [JUILLIARD flinches]
JUILLIARD: Don’t even think about it. You don’t need acting lessons, you need psychiatric help!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: To be, or don’t be too, not –
JUILLIARD: Stop butchering the immortal bard! Something is rotten, in the state of you. Let’s try something else … I’ve got it! Take off your shoes. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR does so.] Now walk around. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR does so.] Not bad … your shirt. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR looks at his shirt unsurely.] Take it off. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR does so.] Hmmm. Pants. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR pants like a dog.] No! [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR takes off his pants.] Take a deep breath. Hold it. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR does so.] Better. Now, jog on the spot. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR does so.] Excellent. Now, clasp your hands together. Tighter. Shake them. [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR shakes his hands, as if victorious.] Faster, stronger, higher! Now – down!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR smashes both hands into his crotch. He screams in pain; blood goes everywhere.]
JUILLIARD: Great – you can follow orders. Now, read me this monologue in your most Poetical Voice. [Hands HITLERHOFF JUNIOR a sheet of paper.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [reading, overacting]: “… I the undersigned,Hitlerhoff Junior, hereby promise to renounce acting, forever. Never again will I sing; never again will I dance; never again will I gratuitously take my pants off! I will never perform in public, ever – it would do more harm than I can possibly imagine. From this day forth, I solemnly vow to devote all my energy to serving Austria-lia Post, upon threat of castration and death. Through rain, through snow, through hail and lightning war, I will ceaselessly strive to … deliver … envelo …” [screws up sheet.] I will not deliver envelopes. [Pause.] I’m going to be the most-watched man in all the world.
JUILLIARD: Over my dead body! You will never work in this town again, marcht my words. [exits.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I waited with burning impatience, and quiet confidence, for the official results of my audition.
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR pulls an envelope out from his back pocket and opens it.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [to himself]:So when do I sta… [trails off.] There must be some mistake. They sentmy acceptance letter to the wrong Hitlerhoff, and I got his …Well, nobody’s perfect. I’ll sort out this little bureaucratic blunder in a jiffy …
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR walks offstage and screams. He returns.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [to himself]: They rejected me, they turned me down, they threw me out. Jew-liard! That bureaucrat, that gypsy, that filthy pole-guzzling thesbian … wouldn’t know talent if it pistol-whipped him onto a train and pissed in his skull!
The whole Academy ought to be blown up. I demand another audition – that one was an ambush! It’s a malignant conspiracy, they stabbed me in the back, they … They’re scared of me. They know what a hitI’d be in Austria-lia! You wouldn’t need any other action heroes. Pull over, MacGuyver – I’ll catch that foreign terrorist! Hasta la vista, Arnie baby – I’ll travel back in time and save the world from evil robots! Evil, prancing robots – they’ve infiltrated Juilliard! My patience is at an end! Poison gas will be met with poison gas! Rejection will be met with poison …
[pause]
They will regret this. Everyone will regret this.
What the hell am I going to do now?
[SCREEN HITLERHOFF appears.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Go to the Juilliard Academy for special young actors, where dreams come true!
[pause.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Were you … watching, just then?
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: … Hi!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Did you catch any of that?
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Power of dreams! [Fades out.]
SCENE SIX
Video Title: “Vienna Beach”
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I ran and I ran, until my legs ached, until my chest heaved, until I could only run in slow-motion …
[PAMELA ANDOVICH is onstage, dressed in a red one-piece swimsuit. PAMELA smiles seductively at HITLERHOFF, whispers into her cleavage, walks into the ocean and starts “drowning”.]
PAMELA: Helpski! Helpski!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: No! Not again!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR strips down to red Speedos and “swims” to PAMELA. He swims back to shore with her, lays her body on the ground, rolls her body upstage and performs CPR.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: One-one thousand year Reich, two-one thousand year Reich …
[PAMELA’s body starts to move; HITLERHOFF JUNIOR starts pashing her. PAMELA pushes him away.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Easy, babe – Hoffy’s got you now!
PAMELA: Am I … in heavenski?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: The next best thing. Vienna Beach – where dreams come true!
PAMELA: I escape from dreaded gulag in Vladivostok. I am political prisoner. I love freedom – they lock me up-ski! I say, “Pamela Andovich, you must swim to freedom – even if you die-ski”! So I water-ski – swim. But the Red Tide – it see me, it chase me! I say, “Pamela Andovich –”
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Shut up and kiss me!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR pashes PAMELA again, extremely passionately. PAMELA’s limbs flail wildly.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: ]: Pamela Andovich was a red, white and blonde, dripping wet dream. She was the perfect woman – tender and sweet, cute and cuddly, naive and stupid. Pammy was always asking me these adorable questions – where did I grow up? What was my deepest longing? Did I know any state secrets? It was the greatest and most unforgettable time of my earthly existence.
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR walks PAMELA around, pointing grandly.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: … and over there, babe, from the ashes of the Juilliard Academy I will erect a mighty theatre – an uber-mega-schau-spiel-disco-hausen! Big enough to seat six million souls, with special talking train services pouring in from every corner of the … I will be a star, Pammy. My face will burn into the minds of millions! Can I tell you something important, babe? [PAMELA gets out an unconvincing “secret” recording device.] I know we only met three minutes ago, but I think … I love you.
PAMELA: Am there anything else Hoffski?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Oh Pammy, my little woodland spirit – I’ve never felt anything like this before! Except maybe as a small boy …
PAMELA: This theatre, Hoffski, when am you plan to build it?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Mummy … [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR begins to sob. PAMELA comforts him.] Oh mummy, I miss you so much … your skin like fresh goat’s cheese, hair as golden as a golden shower, your bosom like – this …
PAMELA: Da, Hoffski, tell me everything …
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Your strong Aryan thighs, aching to be spread wide, wider than a …
PAMELA: The trains, Hoffski – tell me!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: The MUMMY trains, hurtling towards dark, moistMUMMY tunnels, through the Pyrenees MUMMYmountains to the mighty delta of … You’re not my mummy! [PAMELA jumps up.] This is an ambush, a stab in the … booby-trap!
PAMELA [into cleavage]: Oedipussy to Red Tide: mission abortski! Move to Plan B!
[PAMELA runs offstage, left; HITLERHOFF JUNIOR begins to chases her. RED TIDE MAN’s head appears, stage right; HITLERHOFF JUNIOR goes to chase him. PAMELA’s head appears, stage left. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR tries to chase them both at once, and falls over. He repositions himself on the ground, like a male model.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: Me and Pammy grew apart. She had to focus on her career, and I was still looking for freedom. I knew in my heart that we would mate again. Meanwhile, I was young, and I was restless. I was ready to be discovered!
SCENE SEVEN
Video Title: “The Nouveau Socialist Democratic Anarchist Players”
[CHE and ROSA rehearse a scene from The Crucible. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR enters.]
ROSA [playing ABIGAIL]: I saw Goody Proctor with the Devil! I saw Goody Goody with the Devil! I saw Goody –
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Can I help? I was born to fight evil!
ROSA [staring at HITLERHOFF JUNIOR]: The Devil! The Devil!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: This devil guy, is he aboutthis tall, red cape?
ROSA: Fuck! You broke my fourth wall!
CHE: Don’t you know The Crucible?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: The Red what?
ROSA: Arthur Miller, man.
CHE: The persecuted genius playwright? He used the Salem witch-hunts as an allegory for the government’s paranoid anti-communist hysteria –
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Commies – where?!
ROSA: We’re acting, man. I’m Rosa Luxemburg – but you can call me “comrade”.
CHE: Yusuf Islamabad – but call me “Che”.
ROSA: We are a revolutionary Brechtian ensemble –
CHE and ROSA: The Nouveau Socialist Democratic Anarchist Players!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: What a coincidence – I’m a great actor too!
[Beat.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]:And so it was that I joined the Nouveau Socialist Democratic Anarchist Players – “insdap” for short. It was still a tiny collective, but I knew that if I kept struggling, it was sure to grow, and grow, and grow, and grow, and – it was the greatest and most unforgettable time of my earthly existence.
Rosa encouraged me to audition for the “insdap”s next production, and even though my last audition – [shouts] Poison Gas! – I got it. They gave me the leading –
ROSA: Not really –
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: the starring –
CHE: Not exactly –
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: they gave me the title role in the most important performance of the twentieth-century. Che said it would be a real “lesson” about being the centre of attention. I couldn’t wait!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR onstage, doing warm-up exercises: singing, stretching etc.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [Placing emphasis on different words]:Make the lie big, keep it simple stupid, keep saying it. Make the lie big, keep it simple stupid, keep saying it. Make the lie –
[ROSA enters.]
ROSA: This is it, Hoffy.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: My big break!
ROSA: This is going to be really tough, but it’s for your own good. You have … potential. Everyone does.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Rosa, babe, I’m having some trouble with my lines …
[CHE enters.]
CHE: Just wait for your cue, comrade.
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR walks to the side of the stage. ROSA and CHE are acting in Waiting for Godot.]
ROSA [as ESTRAGON]: People are bloody ignorant apes.
CHE [as VLADIMIR]: Pah!
[CHE spits. ROSA moves to centre, halts with her back to stage.]
ROSA: Charming spot. [She turns to face audience.] Inspiring prospects.Let’s go.
CHE: We can’t.
ROSA: Why not?
CHE: We’re waiting.
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I waited for my cue.
ROSA: You’re sure it was here?
CHE: What?
ROSA: That we were to wait.
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: Waited, and waited. I practised my lines under my breath: “Hi, I’m Monsieur Godotte! Sorry I’m so late, the traffic …” But my cue didn’t come.
[CHE and ROSA bow, and congratulate each other on a good show. They sit in a circle with a ‘talking stick’ in the middle.’ During this sequence, the characters pick up the ‘talking stick’ before speaking.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’m feeling really under-valued right now. I’m hurting, and I’m feeling … fury.
ROSA: Good, Hoffy. Express it out.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [shouts]: How can I play Godotte if you don’t remember my fucking cue?
CHE: You still think you’re special?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Yes.
CHE: Well you’re not. No one is.
ROSA: This is all part of our plan, Hoffy. Before you face your first audience, we have to break you down.
CHE:To nothing.
ROSA: Then we can re-educate you, until you’re able to transform, like us!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [waving the talking stick like a police baton]: What a crock of commie shit! All this kunst, its all – kunst! My patience is at an end. You degenerate commie thesbians – you too Rosa, I don’t love you any more! – should all be shot, beaten, gassed, starved, gassed, raped, gassed, tortured, gassed, exterminated, gassed, gassed, gassed! All of you! I’m quitting your stupid “insdap”!
[throws the talking stick away.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [mimes]:I’ll never perform in public again!
[Pause. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR walks over and picks up the stick.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR:I’ll never perform in public again!
[CHE and ROSA exit.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [to himself]: Damnit! The “insdap” was meant to be my ticket to the big time. But all those treacherous thesbians really wanted was world revolution, and a classless society for all … what the hell am I going to do now?
[SCREEN HITLERHOFF appears.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Go to the Juilliard Academy for special young actors, where –
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR pulls out the remote control and changes the channel. Flash of static.]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Go to the Juilliard – [HITLERHOFF JUNIOR changes channel]
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Go to the –
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Power of –
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: You could try painting? –
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Architecture? –
SCREEN HITLERHOFF: Alcoholism? –
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR throws the remote control at the screen. Onscreen: a huge explosion.]
SCENE EIGHT
[Video sequence: war footage, from WWI and Vietnam. Lights flash on and off. Music: “Paint it Black” by the Rolling Stones, mashed with the Knight Rider theme and Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”. UNKNOWN SOLDIER ONE and UNKNOWN SOLDIER TWO enter, pantomiming: firing guns and throwing grenades. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR puts on a military uniform and carries a postal sack.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: I found myself on the greatest stage the world had ever known, in the middle of the mightiest drama of all time. I felt as though my heart would burst! Days, months, years whizzed by. It was the greatest and most – etcetera, etcetera.
[UNKNOWN SOLDIER ONE and UNKNOWN SOLDIER TWO are huddled in the trenches. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR arrives cheerfully.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Merry Christmas, Unknown Soldier One, here is your mail. Merry Christmas, Unknown Soldier Two – your mail. Hitlerhoff … Hitlerhoff … nothing for Hitlerhoff? Oh well! You chaps are my family – and my only friends!
[Awkward silence.]
UNKNOWN SOLDIER ONE and TWO: No, we’re not.
[UNKNOWN SOLDIER ONE and UNKNOWN SOLDIER TWO take off their military outfits – it is CHE and ROSA.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Che! Rosa! How did … got drafted, did we?
ROSA [stage whisper]: The NSDAP has infiltrated the Joy Division, Hoffy.
CHE [stage whisper]: We’re gonna put on a big show in the military hospital.
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: You sell-outs!
ROSA: We’re not here to entertain, Hoffy! We want this unjust war to end – now! We’re gonna to use the power of art to win over the hearts and minds of the troops –
CHE: From the inside.
ROSA: Join our subversive cause, comrade!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Are you crazy? You commie thesbians – I hate everything you stand for! The army is the place for me. I’m part of something bigger, I’m making a difference – I’m changing the friggin world! My fatherland needs me, to … deliver … these … [looks at envelope, as if for the first time] envelopes?! [Screams.]
[HITLERHOFF looks between CHE and ROSA, and the sack of envelopes.]
What the hell am I going to do … [has an idea. Clasps his hands together and shakes them over his head, then swings them towards his leg. Black-out. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR screams.]
SCENE NINE
VOICEOVER: And now, we are very proud to present, all the way from Vienna Beach: the NSDAP!
[Canned applause. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR enters, his leg in a cast.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Hey there, ladies and thesbians – sorry, ladies and germs! [canned laughter] Bacteria! [canned laughter] Plague! … A funny thing happened to me on the way to the hospital. [canned laughter] I broke my leg – on purpose! [laughter] That’s how badly I wanted this gig! [canned applause.]
What’s the best thing about war? War crimes! [canned laughter]
Knock knock. Gestapo! [canned laughter]
Did you hear the one about the Aryan dalek? Exterminate, exterminate – exterminate! [canned applause]
[ROSA hops onto stage; she is bound and gagged. ROSA rips the ropes off and struggles to take the duct tape off her lips.]
How many gypsies does it take to steal a lightbulb? Six million! [canned laughter]
How many niggers does it take to change Rwanda? Six million! [canned laughter]
How many children starve to death every year? Six million! [canned applause]
... So, a communist, a negro, a homosexual, a gypsy, a retard, a polar bear and a Jew walk into a gas chamber –
ROSA: Stop – you’re poisoning our minds!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [furious]: This is mytime to shine! [canned applause.]
ROSA: Traitor. We trusted you!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [to audience]: What do you get if you cross Che and Rosa? ["what?"] A whole show to yourself! [canned applause]
ROSA [to audience, very quickly]: The opinions and views expressed by this man do not reflect the opinions and views of the NSDAP. We stand for peace, revolution and good production values, not that foul, hateful, amateur –
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR pins ROSA to the ground.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR [to audience]:Why did the Hitlerhoff cross the road? To destroy the other side! [Pulls out a knife, is about to stab ROSA in the back.]
RED TIDE MAN: Boo. Boo!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Who’s there?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Ah! [lets go of ROSA.]
RED TIDE MAN: Boo! Boo! [Canned heckling. RED TIDE MAN encourages audience to join in.] Your jokes are not funny. Boo! [canned heckling.] Your bad taste is not ironic. Boo! [canned heckling.] Your sexism and homophobia suggest infantile Oedipal fixations. Boo! [canned heckling.] Your hate-crimes don’t even make sense!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Don’t hassle the Hitlerhoff! [Collapses.]
RED TIDE MAN: You are offensive, unprofessional, incoherent, unoriginal – and obvious! Where’d you learn to sing – in an abattoir?! [ canned laughter]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’m not sorry, I’m not sorry …
RED TIDE MAN: You are a monster, Hitlerhoff Junior. You are bad, so bad it’s … evil. [pause] Your mother would be ashamed.
[RED TIDE MAN leans over and ‘gasses’ HITLERHOFF JUNIOR with his fake squirter flower.]
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Nooo!!
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR breaks down, coughing and sobbing. RED TIDE MAN Exits, laughing sinisterly.
Black-out.]
SCENE TEN
VideoTitle: “Emergency”
HITLERHOFF [to audience, with husky voice]:Everything was black. The mustard gas had ravaged my vocal chords – I would never sing again. I found myself in the middle of a Great Depression. Ever since the day of my mother’s funeral, I had not wept. After the Juilliard Academy audition conspiracy – no. Those lonely nights on Vienna Beach, sleeping on broken glass, cruel stars piercing me like long knives – not then. All through the Great War, delivering envelopes to everyone, except myself – nothing. But now … [sobs gently] It’s over. It’s all over. They hated me. Fucking critics! You think I’m a monster, an idiot. You think I’m the worst thing that ever happened to the twentieth century.
But what did I do that was so wrong, so different? “One man can make a difference.” “Follow your dreams.” “Avenge my death.” Well, I’ve spent mein whole kampf trying to be special. I never gave up – I believed in myself! But you all … no one understands me. You laugh in my face – then stab me in the back.
[Lights slowly up. HITLERHOFF JUNIOR is in a hospital bed. HOBIE BUCHANAN and CJ NIGHTINGALE are listening intently.]
CJ: Please, Sir, don’t stop yourfantastic yarn. It’s better than the telly!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: What?
HOBIE: What does Hoffy do next? Make him fly to Madagascar – in a talking car!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: This isn’t some TV show – this is my life.
CJ: It’s the most touching tale. Such hardships, such hard … [touches HITLERHOFF JUNIOR’s abdominal muscles, and shivers.] What happens next?
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: I’ve told you everything. Pamela Andovich– that was a disaster. The Treaty of Versailles, Che, Rosa – those backstabbing commie thesbians! I should’ve stayed in the trenches, with my only friends.
HOBIE and CJ: We’re your friends, Hoffy.
CJ: And we just adore your flights of fancy! Tell single mother CJ Nightingale and little crippled Hobie Buchanan another one!
HITLERHOFF JUNIOR: Well … after we lost the war, I finally gave up. All my life I had this stupid blind faith that I could make a difference. But one day I realised:
[beat]
I had to stop saving the world, and start saving myself.
[HITLERHOFF JUNIOR busts out of his shirt: his chest is spectacularly hairy. He has become adult HITLERHOFF. HOBIE and CJ gasp.]
HITLERHOFF [to CJ, remembering something he has been told, in Scene Four]: I know that things are hard for you right now, babe, but believe me, they will get – harder.
[HITLERHOFF pulls CJ’s hand onto his crotch.]
CJ: Oh!
HITLERHOFF [to HOBIE, remembering something he has been told]: Hobie, no obstacle is too great for you to overcome. You’ve just got to keep fighting, and keep believing.
HOBIE: Fighting and believing!
[HITLERHOFF stands, and pulls his cast off.]
HITLERHOFF:We live in a crazy, evil world. Deep down inside me, everyone knows that something is horribly wrong. But no one knows what it is –
CJ: Commie thesbians –
HITLERHOFF: And no one knows what to do about it –
HOBIE: Kill ‘em all!
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: It was then that I realised something I had always felt in my heart: I could speak. And people, they could listen!
HITLERHOFF [to CJ and HOBIE]: It was then that I realised something I had always felt in my heart: I could speak. And people, they could listen!
[HITLERHOFF touches HOBIE’s legs.]
HITLERHOFF:Power of dreams!
[HOBIE struggles to get out of his chair.]
CJ: No, Hobie – it’s too soon!
HOBIE: [starts to walk] Strength … through … joy! [Moves quickly from awkward hobbling, to proper walking, to dancing a jig, to goosestep marching.] I’m gonna join the Joy Division!
CJ: Touch my heart, Hoffy – I want to feel again!
HITLERHOFF [chuckles]: Okay babe, just don’t tell my wife …
[HITLERHOFF caresses CJ’s breasts.]
HOBIE: You’re like a magic doctor of the night …
CJ: The Night Doctor! [CJ faints into HITLERHOFF’s arms.]
HOBIE:The Night Doctor!
HITLERHOFF: The Night Doctor!
[Blackout.]
SCENE ELEVEN
Video Title: “Hitlerhoff is the Night Doctor”
Onscreen: a video sequence. SCREEN HITLERHOFF is incredibly famous, rich and successful, surrounded by Aryan celebrities. The screen opens up like a garage door; the KITT car from Knight Rider drives slowly onstage, with HITLERHOFF on the bonnet, playing a black electric guitar shaped like a swastika.
HITLERHOFF: Lights, camera, Auschwitz! [Laughs for a very long time.]
Glitter, dollar bills, fan-mail, golden Stars of David, and black swastikas fall from the sky in slow-motion.
HITLERHOFF [to himself]: Envelopes, envelopes, envelopes … all for the Night Doctor! [He catches an envelope in mid-air, opens it and reads aloud.] “Dear Night Doctor, thank you for autographing my daughter after your rousing speech! Your manly fingers have cured her thesbianism, and she’s just dying for you to call, like you promised …”
“Beloved Night Doctor, I just lovedyour world tour of Waiting for Godotte II: Return of the Godotte! I can’t wait for Waiting for Godotte III: the Godotte Strikes Back!” Neither can the Night Doctor, Timmy.
[Lights up: a press conference. HOBIE and CJ have “Hitlerhoff” armbands.]
HOBIE: Master Night Doctor Sir! Your incredible healing powers – what is your secret?
HITLERHOFF: Let’s just say I believe in the power of dreams. [applause.]
CJ: Your Honourable Greatness! What do you think is causing this foul sickness?
HITLERHOFF: Communism. [pause.] Thesbianism. [pause.] The Red Tide! [Boo]
[HOBIE and CJ scream. They hold pre-scripted cue cards up to front-row audience members’ faces, forcing them to ask questions to HITLERHOFF. HITLERHOFF drinks from a hipflask.]
AUDIENCE MEMBER ONE: Our superior worshipful father-figure, please tell us about your new show.
HITLERHOFF: It is set in a paradise on earth. Everyone is tanned, hairless, blonde-eyed and blue-blood blazing. [applause] It is always summer, every day is a holiday, and everyone always goes to beach, mate. [applause] Fertile women and super men perform heroic deeds in a eugenic montage of perfect teeth, tits, rollerblades, dildoes, hot pink cunt and frozen yoghurt. [Canned applause] My show will catch on like the plague across Austria-lia, -lia, -lia, lia, lia, making me the most-watched man in the history of civilisation. People will still be talking about me one thousand years time! [salutes. Canned applause.]
AUDIENCE MEMBER TWO: Oh beloved charismatic overlord, what is the moral of your show?
HITLERHOFF: There is no evil on this planet that cannot be conquered by the right mix of plastic surgery and special treatment. [applause.]
AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE: Mr Beefcake, are you drunk?
HITLERHOFF: What?!
AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE: Is it true what Pamela Andovich says, that you only have one testicle?
[HITLERHOFF prepares to stab AUDIENCE MEMBER THREE. Blackout.]
HITLERHOFF [to audience]: The gutter press! [Deep calming breath.] The Night Doctor exterminates all the negative influences in his life, he concentrates on making a difference. People believe in his power, he grows from the power of their belief. All over the world – hospitals, talk shows, saving lives, granting [coughs] MERCY DEATHS – it is the greatest [Drinks from a hipflask; his monologue continues – it is pre-recorded. HITLERHOFF keeps his mouth shut. His hand twitches like Bruno Ganz in Downfall.] and most unforgettable time of my earthly existence. But it’s not all special treatment and happy endings for the Night Doctor. A terrible plague sweeps the land. The Red Tide is spreading, rising, like a huge … body of water.
No one is safe! No one knows what – or who – is responsible … The Night Doctor switches from auto-cruise mode into pursuit mode. He needs to touch more women and children. He needs to touch the whole world!
SCENE TWELVE
HITLERHOFF: Reichsführer Sonderkommando und Powerkraut Hobie, Ober-grappen-Panzergrenadier mit Jagermeister CJ – are we ready to party?
HOBIE: Affirmative, Night Doctor!Degenerate theatres from Moscow to Madagascar have been re-educated into train stations. They are full of waste thesbians! We are ready to shift some units.
HITLERHOFF: Excellent! [To CJ] And my uber-mega-schau-spiel-disco-hausen?
CJ: Nearly finished, Night Doctor! It will be the greatest uber-mega-schau-spiel-disco-hausen [HITLERHOFF says this word along with CJ] the world has ever seen!
HITLERHOFF: Capacity?
CJ: Six million.
HITLERHOFF: Is that possible?
CJ: Unimaginable, but possible.
HITLERHOFF: Wunderbar. And the vibe?
[CJ and HOBIE look at HITLERHOFF blankly.]
HITLERHOFF [to CJ]: The word on the street, Ober-grappen-Panzergrenadier mit Jagermeister. The buzz. [Looks into the crowd] Are the people ... relaxed and comfortable?
CJ: They are alert, and alarmed.
HOBIE: They are angry! The Red Tide is ruining their lives!
CJ: It is poisoning our fishes –
HOBIE: Melting our icecaps –
CJ: Destroying our beaches!
HOBIE: There is less and less land –
CJ: More and more thesbians –
HOBIE: New ones popping out every second!
CJ: Prices are skyrocketing –
HOBIE: Inflation, immigration, fighting on the beaches –
CJ: No jobs –
HOBIE: No petrol –
CJ: No water –
CJ and HOBIE: No hope!
HITLERHOFF: Bummer. It’s even worse than I thought.
HOBIE: The people must be ready for the next phase of your plan, Night Doctor.
HITLERHOFF: The next phase?
CJ and HOBIE: As you command Night Doctor!
[HOBIE and CJ walk towards the audience, and hand out badges to the audience. Onscreen, graphics appear: two bodies, which are covered by red-and-yellow stars.]
HOBIE [quickly]: First, we inspect every person,
CJ: to determine who is healthy,
HOBIE: and who is in need of special treatment.
CJ: We give all the sick thesbians
HOBIE: special badges,
CJ: so they know they are entitled to
HOBIE: special treatment.
CJ: Special
HOBIE: thesbians
CJ: must
HOBIE: ride
CJ: the
HOBIE: Night
CJ: Rider
HOBIE: Express
CJ: all
HOBIE: the
CJ: way
HOBIE: to
CJ: the
HOBIE: uber
CJ: mega
HOBIE: schau
CJ: spiel
HOBIE: disco
CJ: hausen –
HOBIE and CJ: free of charge!
HITLERHOFF: It sounds like a logistical nightmare …
HOBIE: But we are so organised.
CJ: It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen!
HITLERHOFF: Great! Keep up the good work. The Night Doctor has to get psyched for his show to end all shows …
[CJ and HOBIE exit.]
[HITLERHOFF empties his hipflask. During the next pre-recorded monologue, HITLERHOFF silently yells the words of his final speech: “Millions of people are being sacrificed, right now. Whole continents are being sacrificed, right now. The entire planet is being sacrificed, right now, to preserve our very special way of life. This is our holocaust. This is our freedom! Are you making the most of it?”]
RECORDING: The Night Doctor has something to prove. He will show the world he is more than a guy who runs in slow-motion, more than a guy with one testicle. He will prove that he is capable of uniting Austria-lia, and RULING the [coughs] – it is the greatest and most unforgettable moment of his unearthly existence.
SCENE THIRTEEN
Video Title: “The Red Tide”
[HITLERHOFF is onstage, drinking, singing to himself to the tune of “the Beach Boys’ “Wouldn’t it be Nice” and eating cheeseburgers.]
HITLERHOFF: Wouldn’t it be nice if I was ruler
Of the fucking whole entire world
We could have a hundred million babies
Not a single one with a hooked nose
And you know it would be so much better
If we [coughs] the Jews and keeeeept the Slavs as slaves –
[ROSA pushes a pram onstage, which has a “BABY” (CHE) crammed into it.]
ROSA: Night Doctor, please cure my baby! He is cursed by the Red Fever – his first word was “comrade”! [Sobs]
HITLERHOFF: Okay lady, but make it snappy – I have to treat a whole leper colony before cocktails with Arnie baby, Ronnie Reagan, Joey Stalin, Marilyn Monroe Charlie Manson Marilyn Manson – everyone wants to jump on the Night Doctor train!
ROSA: I’ll pay you back, just you wait! [Steps back.]
HITLERHOFF: [to “BABY”] Okay sport, let’s take a look at you. Yep, it’s the Red Fever all right … has it spread to your chest yet? [Touches “BABY”s chest.] Hey, what the –
[CHE jumps out of the pram and rips off the bonnet; explosives are strapped to his chest.]
CHE: You've murdered your last power-ballad, beefcake!Viva la Revolucione! [CHE tries to detonate the explosives, unsuccessfully.] Fuck!
HITLERHOFF: Well well well. Che and Rosa show their true colours – commie red, and terrorist black. [Walks towards CHE and ROSA.]
ROSA: You will never defeat our cause, you capitalist monster!
CHE: The people will rise up against you, like a great redtide –
HITLERHOFF: Blah blah blah. You’re like a broken commie record, Che – or should I say, Cat Stevens! [HITLERHOFF rips costumes off the MALE ACTOR and replaces them as he speaks.] Or should I say – Unknown Soldier! Or should I say, Juilliard! – Hobie! –Daddy! – or should I say, Red Tide Man! It was you all along!
[HITLERHOFF clasps his hands together, and swings them into RED TIDE MAN’s crotch. RED TIDE MAN doubles over; HITLERHOFF smashes him in the face. RED TIDE MAN falls to the ground, dazed.]
HITLERHOFF [to ROSA]:And as for you, my little woodland spirit – [rips off her costumes, eventually reaching PAMELA ANDOVICH’s swimsuit] –
PAMELA: Fuck-ski.
HITLERHOFF pins PAMELA to the ground.]
HITLERHOFF: I told you we would mate again … [rapes PAMELA]
[RED TIDE MAN struggles to his feet.]
RED TIDE MAN [to audience]:Comrades, you are in mortal danger! The Night Doctor has been brainwashing you with poisonous propaganda. This whole show is a lie – everything you know is a lie! But it’s not too late. You can be re-educated, yes you can! We can change the world, yes we can! But you must act – now!
HITLERHOFF: I’m going to perform in public, over your dead body. Hey comrade, jump on my train.
[music: a cover of “Jump in my Car”, sinister.]
HITLERHOFF [sings]: Jump on my train, I wanna take you home,
come on and jump on my train, it's too far to walk on your own
ROSA and CHE: No thank you Fuehrer
HITLERHOFF: Ah, c'mon, I'm a trustworthy guy
ROSA and CHE: No thank you Fuehrer
HITLERHOFF: Come on do it– arbeit macht frei!
ROSA: You’ve lost your mind
HITLERHOFF: No I'm not, I'm just catching my breath
[Music cuts out] Now jump on my train before I treat you to death!
[Onscreen: footage of people boarding a train – mixed with footage of the audience entering the theatre. ROSA and CHE reluctantly get into the bonnet of KITT, which has a flashing red light on it.
KITT [robotic voice]: Free-dom-will-set-you-free.
KITT reverses offstage, ripping a huge hole in the screen. Through the hole: a slaughterhouse. Animal carcasses hanging on hooks; butchers in gasmasks sharpening huge cleavers; flames. CHE and ROSA scream. Blackout.
[A strobe-light flashes. Through the hole in the screen: PAMELA and RED TIDE MAN are disembowelled. Blood falls from the sky in slow-motion.]
HITLERHOFF: [sings] I’ve been looking for freedom
I’ve been looking so long
I’ve been looking for freedom
Still the search goes on
I’ve been looking for freedom
Since I left my home town
I’ve been looking for freedom
Still it can’t be found
[screams] Freedom will set you free! Freedom will set you free!
[Blackout.]
CLOSING SPEECH
[Spotlight slowly up on HITLERHOFF. There is a chain-link fence, topped with barbed wire, between the audience and the stage. HITLERHOFF pauses for a long time. When he finally starts speaking, he is slow, hesitant, like Adolf Hitler at the beginning of a major speech.]
HITLERHOFF: Ladies. Gentlemen. Lovers of degenerate art. Welcome to Hitlerhoff – the show to end all shows. It’s great to be here in Austria-lia. This is a real triumph for me – a triumph of the will, you might say. The doors are still locked? Wunderbar.
People, we stand on the edge of an abyss! The tide, the Red Tide … Some say, “life is a beach”. I say: life is a battlefield. A battlefield, and we must all take sides – now! This is our choice, people, our free choice. Because we are free, whether we value our freedom or not. And we are special, whether we deserve to be – or not. We live a very special life. We enjoy – everything. We expect – special treatment. Millions of people are being sacrificed, right now. Whole continents are being sacrificed, right now. The entire planet is being sacrificed, right now, to preserve our very special way of life. This is our holocaust. This is our freedom! Are you making the most of it?
[pause.]
People! We are running out of options. We are running out of excuses. We are running out of time. If we really want to live in a paradise on earth, we must not turn back. We must not slow down. We must keep making sacrifices. Freedom will set you free. Freedom will set you free! Are you with me, people? Are you with me?!
[pause.]
People, my patience is at an end.If you are not willing to save the world, the world is not willing to save you. If you are not part of the final solution, you are part of the final solution, you are part of the final problem. You deserve re-education – and special treatment. [Sound effects from behind the audience’s seats: gas.] Special treatment! You all deserve special treatment!!
[Black-out.]
fin.
[As audience members leave the theatre, they find themselves surrounded by gas, walking along an endless beach covered with skulls.]